Welcome to the blog!
Everything you’re about to read is based on my own experience. It may be a personal take on something, a way to cope, or a helpful anecdote. Read on and let me know if there’s anything you’d like me to write about.
Featured Posts
Healing journey
“Healing is not linear…”
I’ve repeated this to myself so often over the last 5 years that it’s starting to lose it’s meaning a little bit. While I’ve always known that healing is, in fact, not linear, I never truly let myself live in that headspace. I would tell myself that every bad day was a setback and fall into an immediate downward spiral. Never good!
A lot can change in a year…
Oh, hi! I know it’s been a while and some people may be wondering if I was ever going to write again. Me… I’m some people. If I’m being fully honest, I didn’t think I would. Activating that side of my brain has been very difficult over the last year. Even my photography has suffered (but that’s a conversation for another day). I could blame it on depression, but I truly think that I actually write better when I’m going through something. I think, more than anything, it’s been a combination of 1) lack of motivation, and 2) simply not wanting to admit what I was going through. Maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself, though. Let’s start with a recap, shall we?
Depression & Unemployment: a bad combination
I’ve been trying to find the words for this post for literally the last month. Lots of things are still up in the air, but maybe writing this out will help me cope.
A little over a month ago I lost my job. There are so many things that went wrong from very early on after accepting that position and it really never got better. First of all, I took a significant pay cut and even though I was told during my interview that there would be opportunities for overtime, I was denied it when I asked. For 7 months I endured one of the most toxic work environments of my life. This was made harder by the fact that I actually, for the first time ever, truly enjoyed my job. I liked what I was doing, liked the majority of the people that I worked with, and didn’t really dread going in every day. In all honesty, there was only 1 major problem…
My boss.
I have no expectations, just to be here in the present…
Sometimes everything falls into place in such a serendipitous way that it feels like a dream. The stars align, everything feels right, and you can truly just live in the moment.
As followers of this blog will know, this past Saturday was the 5 year anniversary of when I lost my baby. Saturday was also the day that I got to see my favorite band for the first time in 4 years. When they announced their summer tour dates and I saw they were playing relatively close by on August 27th, I knew there was no way I could pass that up. It simply seemed meant to be (even if I had to trek out to Long Island for it!). A few things occurred to me as the day went on…
Dear Alexander…
I’ve had this draft sitting here since March. I couldn’t find the words to say I wanted to, and I’m not sure I can now either. 2022 marks 5 years since my miscarriage. Not only is my life unrecognizable from what it was 5 years ago, but I’m a completely different person. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t wonder “what if” and think about what my life might be if I had never lost Alexander. I certainly wouldn’t be living in New York nor would I have the friends that I do. Often times I feel as if there is an alternate reality version of me that is living a completely different life with a 4 year old running around. The thought of it is sometimes too much to bear. When I look at my life and the person I’ve become, the people I’ve met, and how much everything has changed, I don’t recognize the person I was 5 years ago. She was a broken shell of a human being barely even living the life that was thrust upon her. The only way I was able to escape that life… was by losing Alexander.
Vacation - had to get away
I have a feeling this post is going to be quite the journey (no pun intended) so let’s dive right in.
This past weekend, I went on the first vacation of my entire life where every single thing was decided by me. Now, this may not sound like a big deal, but hear me out. I’ve traveled quite a bit in my life. From a very young age, I was going to Florida almost every year to see my grandmother. When my dad moved to England, I would go visit him for a week every summer and we traveled around. Traveling and vacations are not a new thing for me. I’ve always loved to travel and the fact that I hadn’t been on a true vacation in nearly 7 years was really taking its toll on me.
Archive
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Archive
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