Healing journey

“Healing is not linear…”

I’ve repeated this to myself so often over the last 5 years that it’s starting to lose it’s meaning a little bit. While I’ve always known that healing is, in fact, not linear, I never truly let myself live in that headspace. I would tell myself that every bad day was a setback and fall into an immediate downward spiral. Never good!

A little over a year ago, in early November 2022, I made a promise to myself: I was going to start actually processing my trauma. I was depressed, alone, unemployed, and feeling like a failure. I figured it was the best time to tackle it because, if nothing else, it gave me something to do.

But where to start?

The only thing I could think to do was to simply allow the memories to come up. Anyone that lives with PTSD, CPTSD, or any kind of traumatic event in their past understands that when memories surface we have a tendency to push them down. It’s easier to suppress the memory of the thing than to actually deal with it. Memory gets triggered, bad feelings emerge, and the feelings are so overwhelming that we find any way to make them go away. For me, it was always distraction - do something else, change the subject… anything to make it go away. That meant that if I wanted to actually start healing, I would need to let the memories come through, sit with the feelings, and force myself to work through everything.

I’ll be honest. At first, it was very unsettling. I had gotten so used to forcing my way out of dissociation that allowing myself to sit in those moments was difficult… but let me back up a minute.

What is dissociation?

Disconnection and lack of continuity between thoughts, memories, surroundings, actions, and identity.

So what does that mean exactly? Basically, the human brain is a fascinating thing. When bad memories are triggered, your brain will try to protect you from reliving it. This is especially true for those living with PTSD and CPTSD. I refer to it as my “trauma brain” and people who have been in my life for the last year know what I mean when I say my “trauma brain” is overactive. Trauma changes how your brain functions, literally causing brain damage. When you’ve experience trauma, your brain will do everything in its power to ensure that you are protected from reliving it. In my case, when memories are triggered, I will dissociate (to varying degrees) and have to basically wait it out until it passes.

For years, I passed this off as “zoning out” or “daydreaming” or whatever you want to call it. Once I realized what was actually happening, I was able to make it work for me. So I started letting the dissociation happen. I allowed myself to sit in the feeling, whatever it was, and, once I was able to, talk myself through it. Literally. It has gotten to the point where, after a year, I can almost pull myself out of a dissociative episode (in a healthy way!) and figure out what was triggered. Sometimes it’s a memory, but more often than not it’s a feeling. Yes, the feeling is usually going to be tied to a memory or two, but the feeling associated with the memory is more important than the memory itself.

The more I started working through these things, the more memories and feelings began to surface. It got to a point where I was able to picture what the process looked like. Allow me to elaborate…

My brain is a warehouse. Row after row of tall shelves filled with files and boxes… aka unprocessed memories. There are also endless file cabinets of memories that have already been processed. Events that I know exactly when they occurred, down to the date, are filed accordingly. Think of the most organized file cabinet you’ve ever seen. That is what some of these look like. Other files may be a bit less organized, but I know at least the month and year that something happened. The least organized may just be a time of year or maybe even just the year itself, but the event is filed and, therefore, processed.

On the shelves, there are files and boxes. Some of them I’m able to pull down and know exactly where it goes. I can file it away and move on. Some of the boxes may be labeled with a year, or range of years, and it will take some time to actually sift through it all. Then there are the dusty boxes all the way at the back that are just, well, boxes of unknown stuff. You know the ones I mean, right? Everyone has them in their attic or basement. You put it there for safe keeping because it was stuff you thought you’d need at some point, but you honestly have no idea what’s in there anymore. In the mind warehouse, these boxes are always random and I have no idea what they might contain. Those will take the longest to go through.

In the center of the warehouse is the vault. The vault is locked up with no entry. There is a keypad and a card swipe, but I don’t have no way into it. Inside the vault there are memories that I do not have access to. I do not know how many or from what part of my life they’re from. The only way I even know when a vault memory is triggered is when I lose time. Thankfully, this does not happen often, but it does happen. For a while I was determined to find out what’s inside, but I think I’ve finally gotten to the point where it’s not as important. Working through the emotions associated with those memories is the important part… whatever is behind that big steel door is secondary.

So why is all of this important?

Finding a way to work through triggered memories allows me to not only move on from them but to heal in the process. Often, people think that healing from trauma is nothing more than moving on from the traumatic event, but it’s so much more than that. I had to heal from the trauma, not just learn to live with it… and that’s the difference. This process, this healing journey, has allowed me to finally begin to live a life that is not defined by my past or my trauma. There are days when it feels like I’ll never fully heal. Sometimes the dissociation is so heavy that I need to just lay down and sleep. It takes everything out of me and I can’t imagine that it’ll ever get better.

Then there are the times where I’m able to be in a situation, have a memory pop up, and turn it into a positive. Ultimately, that’s the goal. I know there’s no way that every single traumatic memory will ever leave me. I don’t think it’s actually possible given that I have no way of knowing what I don’t remember. But being able to take something, flip it, and reclaim is a beautiful positive that I’ve actually been able to accomplish.

Allow me to close with this…

While I may be in a position now where I can make those positives, that has only been a recent development. It wasn’t until only a few months ago that I started being able to see things just a little differently. This process has been long and difficult and there is still so much more work to be done. Every day I discover something new, add more files to the cabinets, and find more hidden boxes. Maybe one day I’ll be able to walk away from the warehouse altogether and truly move on. Or maybe I will live with this for the rest of my life. There’s really no way to know. What I do know, however, is that I finally feel at peace (for the most part) and am determined to live my life to its fullest instead of simply letting life happen to me.

The rain came pouring down while I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you
I think I am finally clean…

- Danielle