The journey continues…

The medical journey never ends, but along the way you can learn a lot about yourself. I started this year worried that I might have cancer, barely able to get out of bed in the morning because of the amount of pain I was in, and just struggling to do simple tasks. After what felt like endless doctor’s appointments and trial & error, I’m finally at a point where I no longer feel like my body is a cage. Sure, there are still days where I struggle - and there always will be - but I know how to better manage my symptoms so that I can actually enjoy life again. How did I come to this miraculous conclusion? I’m so glad you asked! Allow me to tell you about the harrowing tale of Danielle’s trip back to theatre-land.

Let me take you back to June. I had not yet started my monthly injections (thank you Xolair!) and was almost at the end of the 16-week pain program that really wasn’t any help. Imagine my surprise while scrolling on social media one day when I see that a local theatre company is putting on a production of Clue. Now, aside from FLSA (Which, is that theatre or just playing silly games with friends? You decide haha), I had not done any theatre since Rent back in 2010. I was absolutely terrified but knew I had to at least give it a shot. Shot fired… and missed (maybe there wasn’t enough bullets in the gun). I wasn’t cast but knew that I would regret it if I wasn’t involved in the production in some way, shape, or form. I immediately reached out to the producers and offered up my services. After a couple of weeks of back and forth emails they asked, “Would you be interested in being the Assistant Stage Manager?”

HELL YES I WOULD BE!

Let the games begin…

When rehearsals started I was admittedly nervous having been out of that world for so long, but I quickly formed a tight bond with my co-stage manager (now affectionately called my long-lost brother, whether he likes it or not) and that made the process a little bit easier. Was the whole thing actually easy? No. Should it have been has hard as it was? Absolutely not! I will not go into all the gory details that was this production as some things are better left between trauma-bonded friends.

But as I’m running around for 90 minutes straight absolutely drenched in sweat, where’s what I learned about myself:

I am so much stronger than I thought possible

These last 4 years (almost) since getting Covid have been hell on my body. And even before that, battling muscle and joint pain, GI trouble, blood pressure issues, and a whole laundry list of other things every single day has made for decades of questioning if I’d ever live a normal life. Even when rehearsals started, I was telling people that I didn’t know if I was physically up to everything. My monthly injections (thank you Xolair!) had just started, I wasn’t aware of the full effects yet, and was simply doubting my abilities. However, a hellish week of tech and 6 sold-out shows later, I can now definitively say that I’m much more capable than I thought I was.

Yes, my disease sucks. Yes, there are days that I wish I could just be normal and not have to watch every single thing I eat. Yes, there are times where I question every decision my doctors are making.

But here’s the thing…

I’ve lived so much of my life either questioning my own limits or letting other people dictate what those limits are. Letting people’s judgement of me form my own opinions of myself until they become “fact” in my head. Telling myself, “I could never do that,” so many times without ever having actually tried.

Is this something I could have done prior to my current treatments? Probably not. The monthly injections that I get (thank you Xoliar!) have made such an incredible improvement to my overall health that sometimes there are days where I forget that I’m sick… and then I push too hard and end up in a flare but, ya know, it’s all about the balance. If you had told me at this point last year that I not only would have been stage managing a play but that, in the course of that ASM role, I would be running around, moving furniture and doors, exquisitely managing a chaotic backstage, all while continuing to monitor my own health and stop myself from flaring, I would have laughed in your face and called you crazy. But here I am! We closed 2 weeks ago and while I did take a week off to recover (which I ended up needing only because my annual October cold hit), I didn’t really need the recovery time. My body managed the chaos!

Now, you may be asking, “Danielle, what about your mental health? How has that been holding up?”

Well, I am pleased to say that for the first time in I don’t know how long I have not slipped into an October depression. Sure there are moments, but that’s always going to happen. For the most part I am doing really well. Over the course of the show I hit a breaking point, but because of the nature of what we were dealing with it was going to happen. I still pulled through, though, and I think that’s the greater lesson that I’ve learned from all of this.

I continue to pull through. No matter what comes my way, no matter what hurdles I come across, I still continue to find my way to the other side. And what have I found on the other side? Community, friendship, and a better sense of what I’m capable of.

Here’s hoping it stays this way!

- Danielle